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The year was 1984. I believe there was a book about that year. That book was a bunch of lies. Lies, I tell you. I know. Because 1984 was the year I turned 4. I was alive during this fateful year, and little did I know, my sister wanted deadly revenge on me for peeing on the floor a year or two earlier. Even at two years old, I was an evil bastard in the making. It was sweet.
But before we get into the story at hand, let’s give a run down on the antics of my sister, and how she is the reason for my evil ways. She is the type of sister that “accidentally” drops their baby bro off of a table. The type of sister that would watch horror TV shows, waking up their little bro and then letting him have nightmares from the show all night. The type of sister that I swear turned the volume on my clock all the way up so that when I accidentally set the alarm off, it scared the shit out of me. I can’t prove that last one, but alas she was an evil bitch.
And I love her with all my heart. You touch her, you die.
This story, though, isn’t totally about her. It’s about the combination of two fairly irresponsible actions leading to the dawn of my “motherfuckin’ super powers!” It was the day I would gain the abilities I would pass on to my dog to terrorize my family with. It was the day that I became…
LAZORBOWIE! (It’s pronounced laser boy. Bite me.)
Now, when I say super powers, I don’t mean I shoot lasers out of my finger tips, or I can fly, or turn invisible, or even light boogers on fire as I pick them… I have stupid powers that are actually just a waste of my life, but have each been proven to exist.
1. I have the power of superior sense of smell. I can smell food and dog shit from miles away, and actually can tell the scent of some of my friends if I don’t see them come in.
2. I have the ability to exude extreme amounts of body heat. This makes any small car I am in look like the inhabitants just had one serious makeout session, and may have to clean the upholstery. I can also use this power to defrost my windshield during winter.
3. I have the ability to move one eye at a time. I’m sure this power came a lot later on (due to a botched eye surgery in 1989, that I should probably line up a malpractice law suit for), but for the purposes of a list longer than two items, this is now part of this story.
To give reference to the irresponsibility of the people at hand, note that I actually have TWO sisters… one of which had a dog. And that dog was evil as well. Oddly enough, the dog still hung around for a bit until the dog destroyed a mattress… apparently mattresses were more important than the four year old boy that lived in the apartment, but who gives a crap, he’ll have super powers when he gets older!
This dog, which I’ll name “Red” despite it’s name probably actually being… um… Red… was a destructive beast, and one of the things it destroyed was my oldest sister’s stereo (or hair dryer… something that had a long cord) and that piece of junk was now in the trash.
The AWESOME thing is that four year olds love to look into trash cans for new toys. Believe me, get a four year old boy a toy with a big box? He’ll play with the box. This little four year old sifted through the trash and found the severed cord, and while his younger-older sister was watching TV, he was plugging and unplugging the severed and frayed cord watching the sparks shoot out the back end.
Now… I’m not sure if I should complain that the breaker system in the apartment building was obviously not up to code, but I’m pretty sure that an uncontrolled electrical current such as a severed cable should short out the system. In any case, with four year old curiosity fully in check, I wanted to know what the sparks felt like.
Sparks are an amazing thing, after all. They contain no mass, haven’t been explained as explosions or whatnot, and are apparently raw, plasmatic energy that is unidentifiable other than as electricity. And I had my hand grazing the end of the wire.
What happened next was awesome. I travelled ahead in time about fifteen minutes! My sister said I got knocked out. I swear it was fucking time travel. Then again, I was four. I probably just thought the sparks teleported me, but in little kid terms, like I moved really fast or something.
Now, one sister leaves broken cables out. The other doesn’t even notice that I’m casually watching sparks shoot out of said broken cable.
And the younger-older sister still claims I’m dumb.
I was four.
And now I have super powers. And my dog has been given laser eyes so he can be my arch nemesis in ten years.
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| "I hurt you with mein eyes!" Who knew dogs bark with German accents?! |
That’s how it works right? Negligences breeds evil jerk. Evil jerk accidentally makes hero? Bring it on, Lazordawg. Bring it on.
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